More More Apologia and discussion of paedophilia and Savile

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I’m going to go off on a tangent and discuss paedophilia since it is currently topical then going to discuss Jimmy Savile specifically since I have something to say about it.

In the past I’ve said that ideas are free. That doesn’t apply to the Apologia. It’s fine if you want to be inspired by it for a song or a pome but any larger work drawing heavily and making money is off limits unless I’m involved with it to get it right.

I continued to be extra baggage. My stepfather was a megalomaniac that competed against everyone, even a baby for his mother’s affections. I think that he must have been very spoilt as a child and continued that way in adulthood.

My childhood was itinerant. Up until the age of ten my family moved on average every six months: I had lived in twenty different flats or houses by the age of ten. You can’t have many friends when you travel some distance to school and you change school every three to six months. I even managed to go to the same school twice with a gap of a couple of years in between. It’s murder going to a new school and you have to fight hard. Then there were the canings and trouble with teachers.

Neglect is a form of emotional abuse. I was neglected and physically abused. I was never sexually abused that I can remember although there is a very disturbing drawing I drew when I was very young, of a grown man’s privates.

There is a parallel to be drawn with paedophile cases. Adults saw the shocking abuse that I endured and did nothing. To be fair there were one or two. I’m thinking particularly of the odd teacher who tried and succeeded in helping me endure it. Perhaps that was the best thing or possibly all they could do.

There were other teachers of course who were absolute bastards. I was physically assaulted by many teachers, quite openly in full sight of many pupils. They could get away with it because I had nobody to turn to. They would do it for a variety of reasons: some because I was independent, some because I outright rejected their Christian bullshit.

Round about age ten the family settled down in a new home. My younger half-sister had been born. I think that my parents must have inherited some money and they both landed steady jobs with some money coming in. We lived at that house for six years.

This is all pretty boring so lets discuss paedophilia. I was just the sort of child that paedophiles target – not that I was targetted. A child that nobody cares about, that is emotionally abused and neglected. To be honest, I was so lonely I probably would have welcomed it.

I remember getting approached by two paedophiles. The first time I was probably ten or so years old. I had been staying the weekend with my father’s family. He had by now remarried and they had two small children. My stepmother upset me by insisting that I – being elder – cared for my younger half-brother and sister. I didn’t care for anyone – I had enough trouble caring for myself. I disappeared and started hitchhiking the twenty-five miles or so back home. My father and step-mother must have been hugely alarmed at my disappearance but ten year old kids don’t consider such things.

I was picked up by a paedo while hitch-hiking. I assume that he was a paedo because he asked many questions about how I came to be hitch-hiking. He was scared by the story and the fact that I was so independent. He must have realised that there were probably people looking for me, that I was trouble and that he could get into trouble.

He dropped me off without touching me and after making me promise not to tell anything about him to anyone. The police then picked me up and took me home. I’m not sure that anyone asked about who had given me a lift.

The second time I must have been fourteen or fifteen and was having a lift from a friend’s father, also a friend of the family. He stopped the car and tried to trap me with logic. It was along the lines of: “Is it right to do something to someone if that’s what they really want to do but don’t realise it?”. My answer was “If they really want to do it, then they will realise it.” He was a social worker. Many years later I learned that he was bi or possibly gay and had training in hypnotism.

There was also a teacher who later left teaching and committed suicide when many former fellow pupils accused him of being a paedo. He took an interest in me. I’m not sure that he had a sexual interest in me or not. He was a strange man and I think very misunderstood. Although he was accused by former pupils, I’m not sure that he was ever guilty of anything. He was a drama teacher and encouraged exploration of sexuality in his classes. I’m not sure that that’s a bad thing.

Let’s discuss Savile. Jimmy Savile was a dj and television personality who also did lots of fundraising for charitable causes. He presented the chart hit show ‘Top of the Pops’ and later hosted the television programmes ‘Clunk, Click’ and ‘Jim’ll Fix It’. Since early October – just over three weeks from when I’m writing – he has been exposed as a serial paedophile of huge proportions. The scandal continues and probably will for weeks or months to come.

In the comments of Craig Murray’s blog somebody simply asked Why?.

I suggest that he continued. People have sexual encounters before they reach the age of consent. Interest starts probably at puberty. Children get fixated on others just as adults do. Isn’t that what celebrity and stardom is all about?

The point I’m trying to make is that Savile likely started with girls of twelve or thirteen when he was that age himself. The question is then why did his interest stay at that age group. The point about that age group is that they’re sexually inexperienced. Savile was avoiding older, sexually experienced women. The reason why? His victims’ accounts are not mentioning any difficulties achieving penetration with young girls. Older, more sexually experienced girls and women would probably be very critical of the order “What am I expected to do with that?”.

There’s something more about Savile. His programmes addressed young audiences and he spoke in a very idiosyncratic manner. He wasn’t acting. People who knew him say that he was exactly like that. The point is that he was barely literate and wasn’t able to compose a sentence properly. I’m going to use a very un-PC phrase here because it’s the meaning that I want to convey. The man was a retard. He was on the level of children and would not be able to relate to adults.

I’m not in any way trying to excuse Savile’s actions but I am trying to understand them. His autobiography ‘Love Is An Uphill Thing'(1976), published as hardback as ‘As it happens’ in 1974 discusses being a paedo: “A high-ranking lady police officer came in one night and showed me the picture of an attractive girl who had run away from a remand home. ‘Ah,’ says I all serious, ‘if she comes in I’ll bring her back tomorrow but I’ll keep her all night first as my reward’.

Savile claims that the girl appeared, he slept with her overninght and took her to the police station in the morning. “The officeress was dissuaded from bringing charges against me by her colleagues for it was well known that were I to go, I would probably take half the station with me.” What’s that about? Did he want to be caught or did he think that it was acceptable behaviour? Whatever it’s about, I don’t think that the BBC can claim not to know of his activities. Such a denial would be absolutely ridiculous.

“The former head of Radio 1 was aware in the early 1970s of allegations of sexual abuse involving Sir Jimmy Savile, an ex-press officer for the station has claimed.

Rodney Collins said on Wednesday that an ex-Radio 1 controller, the late Douglas Muggeridge, asked him to find out whether newspapers were looking into sex abuse claims about Savile in 1973.

Collins, who was head of press for Radio 1 when Savile was a DJ at the station, urged the BBC to launch a full internal inquiry and to examine who knew what and when.”

The point here is that the BBC was concerned about the allegation getting published not whether the allegations were true. Then a year later, Savile confirms that he’s a paedo in his own autobiography. It was certainly an open secret.

later addendum, about an hour later: I forgot to mention that my stepfather addressed me as ‘Stupid’. It’s actually a translation and a better translation for those in the know is ‘Stupid one’. I know very well that you shouldn’t call children stupid or Stupid…

I don’t hold a grudge against him and I actually pity him being so consumed with hatred, prejudice and arrogance and to be fair, he has been there for me when I really needed him.


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Yes I know I said (did I promise?;) only one more and then the shit that you all want to know.

But then it is only DRAFT. Can I get away with that? Probably not

Anyway I missed some parts out. According to my mother – and she should know – she was in labour for 26 or 28 hours. That’s wierd for a second sprog, but then I am special. It seems to suggest that you’ll have it when I’m ready.

[edit: I do like Thor’s days. I’m not saying it will be Thor’sday ~ just that I do like all that thunder and lightening. Oh dear I seam to have misspelt it again like I did seven years ago …


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I hope that you’re keeping up …

Aug 64. I looked at it at the library ~ either the 8th or the 11th, the Mirror.

Of course I was only a very young child at the time.

So what happened was my very recently married mother with a child of 30 [edit: 28] months and myself a child of six months old ran off (eloped?) with a very recently married man abandoning his wife and two very young children of his own. There’s more to it than that … like any story that’s why you do your own research and discover what happened for yourselves.

[just started this will be updated ~ check back]

So, a year or a year and a half after Profumo another political scandal although of far lesser proportion perhaps.

So again the gutter press was chasing the ‘scandal’. From my perspective a six month old child was just extra baggage to the lovers. Of course, getting chased by the trash press must have made them closer. While I was only very young at the time I have been told by my family that I was disguised as a girl to throw the trash journalists off. Very easily really even today – I was pink from a very early age ;)

[later edit: Consider my father. His ‘best friend’ has run off with his wife and both his very young sons. It must have been terribly hard for him.

[further edit: almost sounds like a Greek tragedy (although the Greek tragedies were almost moral tales)

[last edit: can we have some Pink?

Continue ReadingI start my Apologia now … looks like part 2 DRAFT